The Art of Keeping Your Head Down
I’m writing this while squeezing in a quick laundry session before I head to Atlantic City for the day, This shoot has been booked now for over a month. Yesterday I finished up for the most part a huge assignment for the biggest round up of the year for the city’s most popular magazine. A goal I’ve had for years that finally happened. I realized that when I looked at the years stats, plus benchmarks. I’ve surpassed every single projection I had and then some.
As I sat and reviewed the photos from the 6 locations I had been to in this assignment. I recognized all the little things I’d done over the years in it. All the little pop ups I shot for, Things I had done in the zine that I was only trying out, the collaborations with Steve Martinho when we tested out Stereo Flavors Productions. Everything I had done to move forward quietly jumped from the images and I became a little emotional. Maybe more than that.
This city is difficult. We talk about how inclusive we are while alienating so many. We talk about gatekeeping and all its downsides while pretending we don’t gatekeep ourselves. People will take advantage of whatever they can to keep moving forward. I never went to school for this. I started late and wanted to catch up fast. I took on work I never should have but got paid anyway because I did it for cheap. I didn’t know better. I learned later than I should have about the worth of the work and how it should be used. And for that I was punished too.
The thing I learned that helped the most was to just keep my head down, say less and do my best work I could. And I learned that by working with the people I’ve spent the last 3 years doing things with. I’d be nothing without them. I’m still no one now. But at least I’m getting what I asked for. I’m exhausted but my bill are paid and I can eat when I want to. A far cry from 100 dollar shoots with 3 month waits on payment.
As I made my galleries for yesterday, I had a strange feeling. I’m an incredibly anxious person. I felt panic on top of relief. I don’t know a better way to say that. I felt like I climbed a mountain but I’m afraid of heights. I’m reaching a point where this is going to have to progress more. I have no doubts anymore that it will. But that’ll mean upending a life that Ive had for a while now and I don’t do well with changes like that. I guess we’ll see when we do.
